Too Bad Nobody Registered All Those Potheads To Vote

Did you know Phish's tribe was 80,000 strong last New Year's Eve at the Everglades concert they played down in Florida? Too bad nobody registered all those potheads to vote on the spot, we wouldn't be stuck with George DWI Bush for the next four years! Unless they turned around and voted for Nader. He was in favor of weed legalization.



I'm gonna give any weed freak who voted for Nader twin knuckle sandwiches next time I see one. Nader's such a square, he's likely never puffed in his life. Al Gore, on the other hand, probably grows hydroponic in his closet. Who's gonna narc on him, Tipper? As far as I'm concerned, Al Gore is the president.

Maybe the stoner nation will surprise me and turn out for a mass smoke-in the night George DWI Bush gets inaugurated. There's gonna be mad protests in D.C., I heard they're gonna spike the Potomac with LSD mixed with DMSO and somebody's planning to drop a planeload of smelly bull dung on every single outdoor inaugural proceeding. Of course, they better hope they're also carrying Colin Powell in that plane, otherwise they ain't gonna be airborne very long!

Just Got Back From Vote Fraud in Florida

A friend of mine just got back in town from helping facilitate vote fraud in Florida. She said it took a long time, helping Jeb stuff those ballot boxes on election night. But since the Bush machine paid her in Confederate dollars, it's all good! Said they were worth twice as much as Union dollars anywhere south of the Mason Dixon line!



If you're brainwashed enough to call yourself a Republican, then you're probably not reading this anyway. But here's some advice: read a book called The People's History Of The United States, by Howard Zinn, who's a professor at Boston University. Then tell me how Republican you feel.

During this constitutional crisis, I've been researching what gave Bush his margin of victory in Florida. And after counting up Bush's base numbers, including a surge among young voters who happened to be DKE frat boys, budding corporate types who like to get shitfaced and drop roofies in girls' blue cups, and future crooked cops and prison guards developing donut addictions as we speak, I've concluded there weren't enough Bush voters to win the state. So the GOP had to cheat! Move to a different, more flexible standard of honesty.


Staged demonstration "protesting" the recount, made up almost entirely of GOP staffers flown in from D.C.

Just like George DWI Bush suddenly decided he doesn’t like the Florida recount once it started turning in Gore’s favor! Hey Bush, wake up! You tried to steal Florida, and still lost the election!

Two days after the elections and obviously, Gore won

Two days after the elections and they still don't know who won. Except for one thing - obviously, Gore won. Gotta hand it to George DWI Bush, thinking he could pull a fast one, steal the election in the state where his brother was Governor, use state troopers to intimidate some black voters while he was at it, just for added kicks, and nobody would notice! Brilliant plan.

I heard Mindy Tucker, Bush's press secretary, on NPR's Talk of the Nation today. She was being all shrill, saying shit like, well, I hope the Gore campaign doesn't plan on challenging the Florida results. Then Juan Williams asked her, well, what about Pat Buchanan admitting on the Today show this morning that over 3,000 votes counted for him were probably meant for Gore, more than enough to give him the winning margin?



Her response? "Oh, I don't know what Pat Buchanan's talking about. I can't speak to his comments." Priceless. This whole mess is priceless.

Is Bush going down? We can only hope.

Al Gore was up by two points today over George DWI Bush. If Bush wins, that's it. The system is gonna feel the people's rage. That's all I'm saying.

Veterans of the Battle of Seattle already making plans to take their street protest shit to a higher level. But you can't wage a frontal assault on the American system of friendly fascism. You gotta be practical and choose your fights. That's why Gore is the obvious choice, and anyone who votes for Nader is gonna have some heavy bad karma telling their grandkids they almost helped elect a knucklehead like Bush.

Is W. going down? We can only hope.

So all you left-wing radicals out there! You heard it straight from the brainwashing squad at American Babylon, here's what you do. Go to your neighborhood Kinko's. Get your friends who work third shift to hook you up with a bunch of free color copies and sticker paper. Print up lots of homemade stickers, with political messages on them, like "Share The Wealth," or "Bush Bought The Election," or "Democracy is a Myth."

And then, if George W. wins the election, take 'em and stick 'em somewhere illegal. Like on a police cruiser windshield. Or a Starbucks window. Or on the front door of your local Gap. Put 'em everywhere! Hundreds of stickers! Nobody will know what's going on. But it'll be a good post-election day message to the masses. Mind you, that's just a contingency plan. I'm still down with Al Gore, and if this country's got any frigging sense whatsoever, come Tuesday night, enough of us will also make the right choice to make penny-ante protest schemes like this irrelevant.

W. is an Immature Frat Guy

Here's one of many beefs with George W. Bush. He's not very responsible! He's an immature frat guy who’s had past problems with coke and alcohol. Two of the worst, dumbest drugs around. And now it turns out he was busted for drunk driving.



You've got to give Al Gore props, because he was in tune with his times, puffing on super-refined Tennessee KB back in the day. The people you gotta watch out for were the ones who didn't smoke any pot in the sixties, like Dick Cheney!